Rule Breaker

It's official, I am a rule breaker.

Yes, my last post was just a few days ago and said we had a 2 week wait. Well, Patience is not my strong suit. So, that's it. I caved. I did an at home test.

Let me wind back time a little to give you a thorough view of what happened.

Friday during the day at work, it was terribly slow. But I also felt like I had been run over by a Mac truck. I was just completely exhausted to the point I just wanted to cry. It could have been attributed to anything, I thought. Christmas was days ago, its been a crazy few weeks at work, home and just in life in general. So, I ignored it, told myself I was overreacting and moved on.

Friday night I felt nauseous. I had heartburn and hadn't eaten anything. These were strong indicators to me when I was pregnant with my own Son. But, I told myself it was nothing and to let it go. N (The intended mother) and I had not discussed testing early this time, and I so badly wanted to wait until BETA on January 2nd.

Saturday morning I continued to feel "Off". I told my fiance, I just didnt feel right. He tucked me back into bed and set me up with a movie and some Nutella (It's my guilty pleasure, don't judge me!). I napped with the toddler for a few more hours before feeling better. But before M (my fiance) came home, I asked him to stop by the dollar store and pick up some pregnancy tests. I had officially caved.

I asked him for 7 tests. Enough for me to test each day until the BETA. Well, he said he had a bit of a hard time choosing between the two options so he got 4 of each. I wondered since when did the dollar store of all places have a selection.. but I just moved on. Until I opened the bag of tests and saw these:

Not quite a pregnancy test....

I could not stop laughing. To those who don't know, or didn't catch it. This is an ovulation predictor. Typically used BEFORE one would conceive. So, of no use to me. Bless his heart for trying to give me options. It's things like this that make me love M more than I do currently. He tries so hard but sometimes makes the sweetest mistakes.

There were, however 4 pregnancy tests, actual pregnancy tests in the bag. I tested Saturday, knowing it was incredibly early to be doing so after a 3 day transfer. A big fat Negative. I was dissapointed but tried my hardest not to dwell on it. Everything I had read about a 3 day transfer was that I may not hear a positive till 11-12 days after transfer, which would be BETA.

Sunday morning, I tested again with morning pee. I've always heard the rumor about morning pee being the most concentrated and being a good time to test. Then I got this and was a little puzzled:

Squint a little... can you see a line next to the upside down T?

I thought I was loosing my mind. I kept thinking I could see something. I took the test over to the natural light and I thought I saw a light line. I posted it in my surrogacy group and they all confirmed they saw the line too. I even asked M and he said he saw it. You know its really there if a man who purchased Ovulation tests in place of Pregnancy tests sees it, too!

All of Sunday I was starting to get excited. Could this be true? Was I really seeing that?! Am I really pregnant? Then I did this...

Look at those TWO lines on the 3rd test!

THATS RIGHT! 2 lines on the 3rd test! HOLY MOLY!!

I called my IP's on Skype that afternoon. I was talking calmly to IM (Intended Mother) and then said "So, I tested today" and held up the positive test. She cried. I cried. It was a mess! IF (Intended Father) was busy and didnt hear the announcement, so IM is talking to him ASAP and then we will Skype again tonight. I cant wait to hear how excited they both are!

THANK YOU ALL for the positive thoughts, prayers, crossed fingers, whatever else. Im so thankful and excited to be doing this for the IP's!

Two Week Wait

Well, the transfer is officially complete! Everything went well and without hitch (though our travel plans changed some!)

Ready for Transfer #2! Don't mind my lovely M, barely awake. 

We are officially in the two week wait period. I'm trying very hard to not think too much about it, stay calm and relaxed, not stress about anything. I had my first monitoring appointment today and everything was fine. Next appointment is January 2nd which will be the big reveal.

I haven't decided if I am going to test before then or not. I'm almost positive N will want me to, but we have not talked about it yet. I think this time is so much more sensitive. It is N&M's last try, or most likely their last try. It's hard for them and I can understand and respect that. I know how badly they want it, and I hope that they know I want this for them just as badly.

So now we are just waiting... waiting waiting waiting. I have gotten a few things come up that make me wonder... "am I pregnant?!" but I know the meds that I am on give similar side effects of early pregnancy, so who knows. I'm trying not to over analyze (which, those who know me know how hard that is for me!). I did get a sports bra and some shoes for Christmas so I might start running again to try to keep my head busy.


So bye for now... keep those fingers and toes crossed for us please!

Bump it Up!

I don't quite know what happened, but google seems to have glitched and eaten all the pictures from my blog. Or, at least on my end it has. Sad day. So I wanted to update with a new blog and get a picture in there so no one is reading through plain boring text with no pictures. Everyone likes pictures in their story's!

Bump, bump it up - a little more... That's right, my blog post today has a Jock Jams reference. So what about it? I loved Jock Jams in the 90's. I should totally try to find that on Pandora at work today.

So technically we bumped the transfer back, but I like my Jock Jams reference so Im sticking with it. You all know what I mean. :) Transfer is now scheduled (assuming monitoring gets me where I need to be) for December 21st. It makes me SO nervous to be travelling so close to Christmas. Im terrified that I am going to miss Christmas with my little guy who will be staying at Grandma's while M and I are in CT & NY. I worry about snow storms and flights being overbooked and us being stuck at the airport for days. Oh boy. Cross your fingers that all travel, transfer and everything associated with this next trip goes as well as possible.

I have monitoring scheduled already. NEFI is such an amazing clinic. I let them know my concerns about getting it booked ASAP so I can try to arrange things at work to not take any PTO (paid time off) to attend the appointments. Bless her heart, as soon as she faxed the orders to the clinic, she sent them to me along with their phone number again because I sure had lost it in a sea of emails. I called right away and everything worked out great!

My first appointment is 7/26 at 7:20am, then 12/4 at 7am and 12/11 at 7am. I dont have to take any PTO at all! I was able to work it out with Daycare for the 26th that I would pick up little M late that day and she is ok with it. THANK GOODNESS!

So, I am super excited that things are panning out so well. Being the end of year, and close to Christmas, things just make me a little extra nervous. PTO is getting slim, its our busy season at work, snow is coming - have you noticed that I am a little bit of a worry wart? Whoops! This is why M is such a perfect man for me. He balances me out with his calm ways.

I will start meds most likely this weekend. EXCITING stuff. :)

A Christmas Miracle

That's right! We are back on track!

The IP's have let me know they wish to proceed with me. I am SO excited and happy. We are going to try for a second transfer in December. It makes me a little nervous to be in NYC and CT so close to Christmas, but I would LOVE to be able to tell N&M about a positive test result before the new year. That would be such a great start to the year for them.

Transfer will be December 20th. I'm really hoping that M can get the time off work to come with me. I do NOT feel comfortable enough to go alone. And if not, I'm hoping that I can beg a girlfriend to come with me. That would be way too stressful for me to go alone.

So, I know its optimistic, but I am hoping if we transfer on the 20th, that on Christmas I can get a positive test. That would be the best Christmas present I could give the IP's. Its probably more likely that I would get one on the 27th, but here is hoping. Actually, I would love one anytime after transfer. :)

So, what that means to all of you non-surro people, is that I will start meds again (yay!) just before Thanksgiving. I am going to try SO hard to leave stress out of my body, which this time of year with my work, is hard to do. I assume, thought I haven't officially heard from NEFI what the plan is yet that I will be starting on pills like last time, then going to the OTHER pills (you know, up the hoo-ha). I will have to do numerous monitoring appointments like last time, to make sure my lining is where it should be. Then, once I get the OK, I will fly to NYC and drive to CT just like last time. I'm hoping we can at least cut this to a 3 day trip instead of a 4, but will do what I have to do for a successful transfer. :)

So, please people, say a little prayer, cross your fingers, carry a rabbit foot (please don't harm any animals!), whatever you have to do to send some good implantation vibes our way!

Oh What A Feeling....

Back in Australia, there used to be a commercial, where the actor would jump into the air and the screen would freeze. They sang "Oh What A Feeling....Toyota!". It was about how wonderful Toyota made them feel.

Well, despite that random information, I do not feel wonderful. This blog also has nothing to do with Toyota, or any cars at all.

BETA was today and my results came in

NEGATIVE. HCG came in less than 0.1%. They said "most certainly a negative test".

So disappointing. I know I am on a bunch of hormones and meds that make me feel extra fun, but surprisingly I didn't cry. I just feel let down. I feel like I failed N&M. I emailed N right away to see if she heard and find out how she is feeling. She also feels let down, though she assures me she doesn't feel let down by me but they said this would be their last attempt. They are taking some time to work out their feelings right now. I know they didn't mean for it to, but I feel so sad right now. Again, likely partially because of the meds. I'm thankful I have good friends around to keep me happy. I hope they continue this journey with me, but will understand if they decide this truly will be their last chance.

What a day!

Transfer 100% Complete

I cannot believe the time has come.... let me rewind a little to give a full update.

For weeks I have been having monitoring appointments. What that means is going to a clinic local to me in MN and they test how I'm responding to meds by doing a trans vaginal ultrasound and blood work. They test the uterine lining once on the meds, and the number is supposed to increase.

The first lining check was 4.5, the second 6.8 and the third was 7 (she originally said 7.4 but said she couldn't recreate it). Thankfully 7 was enough to get us to the next step, transfer.

Right after that last monitoring appointment in MN, I started the other pills. The first kind I had been on for two weeks just tiny oral pills I take 3 times a day. The second kind of pills are uhm.. how do I explain.....different. They aren't oral, if that leads your imagination anywhere else.

So, fast forward a little, we get to CT and do my final monitoring at the clinic we are using, NEFI (They are AMAZING!). The final lining count was 6.5. That made me so nervous. Its not supposed to go down! They said they would have the Dr review and get back to me if we are still on or not for the next day transfer.

That had to have been the longest day, ever. I was so worried that we would have to cancel the transfer. However, you obviously have already read the title of this post, to know that we got the all clear. THANK GOODNESS!

The next morning was the transfer. I was told to be there at 9:30am. We got there promptly at 9:30. The transfer was at 10am. M and I were called back to a consult room at 10, spoke to a nurse practitioner, and Grace who we have been working with (a fellow Aussie!) and then Dr. Lavy. came in to answer any questions. He really is an amazing Dr. He has been so personable. We tried to call N&M but they were unavailable.

We then went and M and I got all fancy...

Dressed, ready for the transfer

Then we moved into the procedure room. Dr. Lavy then gave me the greatest surprise.... IM was on Skype. I couldn't believe N was there with me all the way from Sweden! She shed a tear and didn't think that I saw, but I did. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows if I see people cry, I will cry. I'm such a cry baby! I shed a couple tears but not a full on sob - though I was close!

IM was on Skype with us through the whole procedure (she was by my side, not down in the nitty gritty, ha!). It was so nice to be able to have M and IM there with me. The procedure took about 2 minutes. It was so fast and completely painless!

I cant wait to confirm that the transfer stuck. Ill have an appointment at my MN monitoring clinic on the 3rd and the 10th for the BETA.

Everyone cross your fingers and send sticky vibes (that the embryos stick).

The Embies! 

Get Ready...Get Set...Go!

Let the fun begin! Everything is starting to happen now. Things are really picking up their pace since some of the confusion last week.

So, I officially have a cycle schedule and a transfer date set. What that means to people unfamiliar with surrogacy, is that I have a schedule for my cycle - my menstrual cycle. I have been on birth control up until this week when I was instructed to stop. HOORAY! Tomorrow I start my first monitoring appointment which is in Minneapolis. It's kind of a pain in the behind, but it is what it is. So I took the morning off from work to find my way in as I don't like Minneapolis much. I ALWAYS get lost.

At the monitoring appointment, they will take blood and check for what my uterine lining is as a base line. Basically, after I start the meds, and go back for my second and third monitoring appointments later this month, the uterine lining should be thickening. We are trying to trick my body with these meds into thinking its pregnant, so when we do the transfer - actually putting IP's embryo into my uterus, then my body will accept it and I will stay pregnant.

Speaking of the meds - HOLY MOLY! There are a lot! I mentioned before that I am so thankful that I don't have any injectibles. I wouldn't have done well with those. There are a LOT of meds! All together, I think this is over 200 doses of medication. YIKES!

After the monitoring appointment, we will get the go ahead to start the meds from NEFI. Ill start with the pills in the little bottle 3 times a day. FUN stuff. I hope they don't make me feel icky like the birth control did. Then we will have more monitoring. I think it will be the 12th and 19th but we will see about that. Then as long as everything progresses as we need it to, we go for transfer! M and I would fly out to NYC and then drive/shuttle to CT on the 24th as we will have an appointment on the 25th bright and early to monitor one last time and then transfer on the 26th. Then I am out of commission for the remainder of the 26th and for the 27th. Such a long time. I bet I will be doing a whole lot of pinning during that time. :)

So exciting! I cant wait for the next step. I'm not feeling quite as stressed as yesterday. Thankfully! I keep telling myself I will go get a massage, but I know I wont really. I never spend money on myself. Seems so silly when I have M and little M. They are my priority. though if I would have remained as stressed as I was yesterday, I would have had to!

I'm sure tomorrow wont be much to update on, but an update shouldn't be too far down the road.

It's happening!

It's happening! It's really happening! We have a transfer date. September 26th is the date.

I only know a little bit right now because everything is moving so fast. I'm excited though! So, sounds like the 24-28th we will be out there. M had to tell his boss today so that his PTO will be approved, I'm not terribly thrilled about that, but I suppose it is what it is. I would like to keep it all as under wraps as I can until I'm actually pregnant with IPs baby. Especially at work. 

So this Friday ill have my first monitoring appointment. I'm not real sure what that will consist of other than checking my uterine lining. I've let my team lead at work know because my boss left me to go on her honeymoon. Oh the audacity! Actually, at her wedding this weekend I think I cried so much. I'm thankful I wasn't on the hormones for that because I can't imagine how much more I would have sobbed. Ha! She was an absolutely stunning bride.

M and I at The the bosses wedding

Anywhoo, meds arrive tomorrow. No needles! Hooray! I'm so very excited about that. Interested to see how these meds make me feel. I cannot wait to be done with the birth control though. I HATE it. It makes me feel so nauseous and disgusting. Thank goodness that's almost to an end! 

That's about all I have for today, in my whirlwind of a day! So excited and nervous. But I'm REALLY excited that I transfer the same day as a surro-sister and the day after another surro-sister who are at the same clinic. Meetup!! Poor M is just going to have to deal with us girls jabbering away about surrogacy a little more. :) 

Tug of War

This picture accurately describes how I feel right now, with me feeling like the rope. I have been really patient with the blogging the past month or so because I wanted to be sure before posting anything and there have been so many changes!

We started out by being given a date. An official date of transfer. September 20th was it. We had it! It was finally here. I was so excited and I wanted to blog about it immediately. However, something inside of me said I should wait incase things changed. I felt us moving in the right direction as a part of our lovely tug of war.

So, because IM had previously worked with another clinic (she had another surro that didnt work out before me) and her Embryo's had been there. When we were doing contracts, she was considering switching from the one clinic which I had heard terrible things about, to NEFI, which I had heard great things about. Well, as a part of working with the other, unnammed clinic - she had to go to a third clinic to have her embryo's extracted and they were housed at that location.

We didnt find out until we got our 9/20 date, that the third clinic was going to have a bunch of additional steps in order to allow the embryo's to be released from their clinic and transferred to NEFI. Oh boy. So, we started out with all of these steps. They told IM that she had to go to the US Consulate in Sweden. What in the world?! After some probing - I was able to find out that they wanted something notarized. All of a sudden, I felt like we were going the opposite direction in game of tug of war.

Being that I grew up overseas, I have often had to deal with finding a US comparible notary in another country. So, I let IM know what I would try first - especially because the consulate couldnt get her in until the end of September - past our transfer date! She went to the place that I found via google and it appears to be good. Documents were sent out Monday of last week to the third clinic.

NEFI cannot proceed with me until the third clinic gets the originals. Which seems, annoying but I suppose I can understand it. So, yesterday I spoke to NEFI and they let me know the Septemeber 20th transfer is officially cancelled. Sigh. They explained that I would have had to of started meds either last week or this week and they cant give me meds without the embryos being in house.

So, feeling defeted and sad for IM, I emailed her to let her know what I knew. It has been important to both IM and I that we stay in communication with one another. Right now, we are a team. Working towards the one goal - to get the IP's a baby! We need to make sure that we are all on the same page at all times. And right now, that can be hard because there are so many cooks in the kitchen. We have done a good job of it, though. IM was obviously very upset that the September transfer was cancelled. I wish I had more answers for her as to why, and how, and what now - but I simply did not.

Late last night I realized that I only had about another week of birth control left. If we werent doing a September transfer, I would need more. I emailed NEFI to let our contact know to please place the order. This morning when I woke up to read her reply, she explained that I will no longer be taking BC as we are proceeding without the embryos being in house! WHAT?! That's great news! Even though it is great news, and I am SO happy, this is about where I began to feel like the rope in the tug of war. So much back and forth and confusion. I really am a person who likes to set expectations and stick to them. Obviously, I am going to learn a new way with the surrogacy process as things can change so easily.

She said she will call me later today to explain what is happening, however, I can assume that she is overnighting me some medications to start tomorrow and that we are either going for a September 20th transfer, or shortly thereafter. I emailed IM to let her know immediately. The response I received was "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!". Needless to say, it sounds like she is just as excited as I am. (plus, I am secretly over the moon to not have to take these bc pills anymore as they make me super nauseous and sick).

Small Victory

I know this is going to seem so petty to most but I feel like its a victory worth blogging about!

Guess who got the all clear?! Woop Woop (Geico - Hump day commercial reference). So basically that means that I can let Circle know and they start the official schedule. NEFI will prepare a schedule, which we are looking at end of September, beginning of October for a transfer as of right now. I know things can change but we will start with that timeframe and roll with it. NEFI said a couple days for me to be setup (Meds and such). Can't wait! So excited!

Also, these prenatals that I have been taking, are called mini's. Let me tell you, they are nothing like mini. This is false advertisment! However, my birth control and prenatal concoction are no longer making me queasy. NEFI said to try taking them after I have eaten. Problem solved!

I also have been debating on when to tell my team at work. My boss knows, and a couple other people I work with (I work with M, so he obviously knows). I have toyed with telling them now, or waiting until later. I think right now I plan to wait until I am offfically pregnant. At work, we do a meeting where we talk about "one thing we learned this week". It can be work related or non work related. I thought I would go into that meeting after a positive beta and announce "I learned I am pregnant and it's not mine!". I think it would be hilarious. So much so, that I am laughing while typing right now.

I also can't wait to get the meds and get this party started. My IM mentioned to me how much she longs for this baby. That really tugs at my heart strings. It makes me want to be pregnant for her right NOW! I am so lucky to have the IP's that I do. They are so sweet. We email back and forth a lot, but they have never been pushy or rude (I have read about some IP's being very rude). I just cannot wait to be able to hand over a bundle of joy to them.

I've also made a mental note that I want to be down 6lbs before I get pregnant. It's not that serious but I would like it - for me, to know that I started on a good foot. Not that I am on a bad one now. Ha. So, I told M that we are going to get up at 4:40am to go for a run before work every day so I can knock this off. I'm also starting my no more caribou. I know that coffee is technically ok, but I would rather not have it for my own child when pregnant, therefore, I won't do it while pregnant for my IP's. Seems like the right thing to do. I think I will be sad for a while though! I love coffee. Especially caribou!

Progress being made

I should have updated much earlier than today but its amazing how exhausted I am from a little 2 day trip. Never mind coming home and not having little m with us yet. He's still with Grandma and Grandpa. This is the longest I've ever been away from him. I'm so sad! 

So, trip went great. Out flight there was great. Our car pickup went super smoothly, (highly recommend National at JFK!) and we got to Connecticut on time to check in. M and I went to a local mall and explored there. We got some great food at an Italian place that a fellow surrogate suggested to me. M and I even took some naps. NAPS! Can you believe it? I don't remember he last time we napped during the day! 

After dinner we went back to the hotel and I met up with a fellow surro who I met through an amazing fb group. (Remember I previously said I wished it existed?! Now I have been welcomed to one and its amazing!)

Here is Chana and I. She's such a sweet, amazing woman. I love learning about her journey! 

After our meetup, M and I just hung out at the hotel. 

The next morning we had our lovely free breakfast and then checked out of the hotel. We headed to the clinic. NEFI was beautiful! I took a bunch of pictures while there so my IPs could feel like they were as involved as possible. I know how badly they wish they could have been here. 

I met with 5 people at the clinic and they were all so nice. I got 8 vials of blood taken and M got 2. We both had to per in a cup and then I had to have a test on my uterus. It was incredibly uncomfortable. Apparently my uterus is tilted so that's news to me. They basically had to put saline in my uterus to separate walls of my uterus to test for abnormalities. All was fine but it hurt! 

I get squirmy with tests like that when I'm not entirely sure what's happening. I'm glad they could just get it done. It's mostly just cause I'm a scardey cat and has nothing to do with it actually hurting. 

So I have to wait until next Tuesday when we get the blood work back. Then we get the schedule. The schedule means that I'll start meds (no needles!!) and we would be aiming for an end of September, beginning of October transfer. 

Dr levy came in to meet with us also and helped to make sure all our questions were answered. It was so nice to have a dr who would talk to us about our concerns. We also talked about how many embryos we would transfer. I said 2. Doesn't mean both would stick. However both may stick and we could even have splitters. (Just like normal pregnancy). It's exciting to have a possible date. I can't wait until we have an actual date. 

Anyways, I apologize for my all over the place post today. I'm posting from my phone so I may not have caught all the autocorrect issues. :) 

Thanks for reading.

Slow Going

Just wanted to update everyone who follows my blog on what is happening as there hasn't been an update in a while. Nothing much is happening right now, it's pretty slow going.

The IVF clinic has sent me birth control pills which I was to start yesterday. I'm also anxiously awaiting my medical screening on Tuesday the 6th. I fly out Monday the 5th to NY and then M and I will drive to CT.

I'm REALLY nervous about driving in NY in a rental car. EEEK. The two people that I know that have rented a car in NY, have both had accidents in NY. I am not an illiterate driver.. I know how to drive, but I envision chaotic, traffic, angry taxi drivers and people who are impatient (So sorry if that offends, my imagination came solely from how NY is depicted in the movies). Here is hoping that I am proved 100% wrong. :)

M and I are thinking that we might try to venture over to China Town and Little Italy when we go to NY. We don't want to be too adventurous and miss flights, get lost, miss appointments or anything like that. We just have no idea what to expect. Though - assuming everything goes well, we will be back to NY shortly where we can do a few more touristy type things and explore the city on a less strict schedule.

If anyone has any places they recommend in or around China town or Little Italy, feel free to leave some comments and let me know! :)

I was able to skype with the IP's yesterday. We have previously had connectivity issues with the camera working. So yesterday, I assumed we would have the same issue, I got changed into my "bummy clothes" because I just got off work, wasnt feeling the best and thought - No harm, the cameras wont work anyway. Well, of course I jinxed myself. The cameras worked and what a first impression I made. Sigh.

Chatting with them was so nice. I love to have a face to the name!

Otherwise, things are pretty normal going, for right now.

Thanks for reading!

The Show Is On The Road Again!

 Woo Hoo! I wished for it to happen, and it happened!

Ok - I'm not really dellusional. I understand that things moved along because that is how they progress and not because I wished for it. Geez - Couldn't even let me have my dream world for a moment, could you?! :)


So I wished that we could get things moving again and it truly happened. Fast. Possibly because I am a persistent bugger, possibly just how it should have been.

We were stuck in a vicious cycle of contracts. Back and forth, back and forth, over and over again. Which, isnt all bad. We do want to make sure that everything is covered correctly. Those who know me well, know that I pay close attention to detail. I monitor every tiny thing and I probably over analyze everything too. So, I went over everything with a fine tooth comb. What seemed like FOREVER later - we got the final contract signed and sent in. Hooray!

I promptly emailed my Program Coordinator to work out next steps. She said it may be a few weeks until we can even get to the next step as the IP's hadn't finished finalizing the clinic they were using. I thought that to be odd. Thankfully, I have a very good relationship with my IM. We email all of the time and I feel so close to her already! So, I mentioned it to her. Seems they had just finalized it with the clinic so I reached out to the Coordinator again to let her know the IP's and I are all ready to go and would love if we could get the scheduling done by the end of the week. She told me to expect by next week.

That afternoon, the clinic called ! I was in TERRIBLE traffic with M and little M in the car on the way home from work. It was 4:50pm and I was supposed to be skyping with the IPs at 5pm. I was trying my darndest to get home on time. I dislike being even close to being late. I finished up the call with them with 2 minutes to spare and right as I was pulling into my driveway. The medical screening is August 5th and 6th. M and I will fly to NY on the 5th in the morning, and drive to CT. The screening will be the 6th in the morning and then we fly out late at night. So, some coordinating on our part may be required, as far as what to do to fill time, etc. And some praying that our flight home isnt delayed or anything!

Overall, I am SO excited. So very excited. Im happy to be getting a move on.

The clinic is also mailing me some birth control. Which makes me feel much more relived about. I despise taking the pill, but I suppose it's kind of whatever at this point. You do what you've got to do! That was one of my biggest concerns, so I am happy she addressed it right away without me asking.

Additionally, I skyped with my IM - and again we couldnt get the video portion working. Im not sure what that was all about. So far, no video chats have worked. I noticed we weren't on each others contact lists in Skype, so I wonder if that was related. Hmm, things to ponder to keep my mind busy.

I sent a package in the mail to my IM this week. Just something little. If she is reading this, she will get a bit of a spoiler - so I wont say what it is until later next week when I know she has gotten it. But I wanted her to understand that I appreciate both of them so much for what they have been through, and what they are going through to bring this baby into this world. I am so happy to be matched with them. They feel like family to me, already. (I know, I'm a corn ball. M tells me ALL THE TIME!)

Thanks for reading!

Let's Get This Show On The Road!

Seriously, that is exactly what I feel like saying. I'm kind of stuck at a standstill.

We have been going back and forth with the contracts. I really didn't want to make a lot of substantial changes. There were a couple of things that I felt were written out too loosely - for example, amniocentesis - that it could be requested by anyone. I had that changed to by a medical professional. I have no problem doing it, but I dint want to be doing it willy nilly.

So, these little things have taken what feels like forever. Yesterday it seems like we came to a conclusion. However, the IP's lawyer is out camping till Monday. So, no final contract yet. I am so ready to just get this show on the road.

Apparently now I am learning to be patient. I want to just be there, at the screening, starting whatever meds I need to start so we can get this transfer under way. I know how bad N&M want this. And - I get more anxious about getting things going. 2 weeks from today I should be on my 2nd period since the IUD removal.

I feel so bad, like I am holding this process up. I know I am not in all reality. Its just hard. I know how bad that N&M want this.

So, now I wait.... patiently. Or, not so patiently. Whatever. I hope that Monday comes and we can sign final contracts and book a trip to the clinic and get things under way!

Cross your fingers for me - Say a prayer - Do a rain dance - whatever you do... Hope for positives for us all!

Thanks for reading!

Miscommunication

I was really getting worried after I emailed my IP's and they didn't respond. Funny thing is - apparently I closed out of the email and it saved in my drafts. Never sent! Which is why I never heard back. I feel so dumb right now. ha!

Well, IP's and I caught up via email and I sent some pictures of our vacation. N sent an email and said she wanted me to know that they are supportive of me in the most kind way. That really warms my soul. These people are so lovely. I am SO happy to be working with them. Its such an undescribable feeling. To be matched with this couple, whom you have never met and only spoken on the phone to once. I feel like I have known them my whole life and I absolutely adore them!

Tonight I speak with the lawyer about the contract and some questions I had about it, and then we should be moving along pretty quickly after that. I am so excited! I just want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW! (I feel like a toddler when I say that.)

Thanks for reading!

It's Finally Here!

After anxiously awaiting next steps, it's finally here!

8AM this morning (It's Sunday). I got my email with my copy of the contract. I read through it a couple times and it's pretty straight forward - yet it's mixed in with all of the legal mumbo jumbo so there is some info that we have to decipher. I of course was hoping that everything would be perfect and I could just print and sign and send back. I was wrong.

I should not have been surprised that there would be some confusion or miscommunication. This is, after all, a huge transaction. We are dealing with legalities across two countries, covering numerous parties and 1 or more babies. Of course there is room for interpretation.

I sent an email to my journey coordinator and tried to schedule a chat with the attorney that is representing me. I also emailed our IP's a couple days ago but I haven't heard back which I think is a little odd. I am wondering if my email went into their spam folder again.

Lots to review for a few days, it seems. Fingers crossed we can clear out the confusion and get this thing under way pretty quickly. 

Update Update Upppppdate!

Ok, yep. It should be well and truly obvious by now, that I suck at catchy titles for my posts. HA!. I guess I can work on that.

Anyways. I have been offline for a while as the fam and I went on vacation. Our first real vacation in almost 6 years and our first one since little M was born. We went to Orlando which was a huge deal for us. Being that we currently live in Minnesota and its so dang cold, the sun and warm weather was so nice to have for a change. I met my cousin and her family there and did Busch Gardens, as well as met my BFF from Australia and her family there and did Universal Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios. All was so much fun.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Friday, I heard from someone at circle who said that I passed the MMPI. Hooray! I also "met" with my journey coordinator on Friday. Things sound to be well under way. Sounds like our IP's might be switching clinics for the IVF, because the one they currently chose, wants me to have 3 regular cycles once my IUD was removed. So they are looking at choosing a clinic in either CT, CA, or MA. I have no gripes with any, personally seeing as I dont have anything to compare it to.

So, I went to my OB on Friday to get my IUD removed. I was a little worried about how much it would hurt. I always heard that it hurts more when taking it out. I took some Aleve about 30 mins prior in hopes it would help. Psh, what was I worried about?! It was so quick and painless. My OB really makes me so much less stressed over stuff like this. She explains what is happening as much as I need to know, but no more than I need to know, that would creep me out or make me panic. Best OB award goes to my OB!

So, next steps. I have to wait for my IP's to finalize the IVF clinic they want. Shortly after that, we should have a contract, followed by a medical screening (1-2 day trip as I understand it). I have also been linked up with some other wonderful women doing surrogacy and have been warned to read the contract with a fine tooth comb. Things I have been told to watch for:

• Wording as far as exercise - Some contracts that others have seen in the past mention "no rigorous exercise". But by whose definition? A doctors? My own? The IP's? 
• Sex. It's true! The more I ask people and the more advice I am given, I am told to watch about sex restrictions and that they may be negotiable. Very interesting thought to me, but I suppose it is good to know! 
• Treatments such as an amniocentesis may be needed, but the contract should specify who can request one. IE, only by a medical professionals recommendation. 

So much to analyze once we get to that point. I cant wait! Here is to hoping it will be a quick process.

I also got a beautiful email from my IP's Friday wishing us a nice vacation. SO sweet of them to remember and send a note to us!

M, Little M, and myself with the super heroes at Universal Studios

Little M after 13 hours at Universal Studios

The Psych Test

Dun Dun Dunnnnnn.....!

Ok, so typing out the sound doesn't quite give the same effect.

Annnnyways. I had my psych test today, also known as the MMPI. I was so worried about how this would all work. Yet again, no reason to worry.

There was a webex, which had voice and video. I could see the doctor, and she could see me. We were able to communicate fully through the webex and I didnt have to use my cell phone. Which, honestly was a relief. I went over on my minutes last month because of all these phone calls. May have to up my plan! Apparently I failed to read all of the instructions because I missed that I had to have my ID available. Which resulted in me having to run down 2 flights of stairs to grab my ID and then back up. I was huffing and puffing when I got back up. haha.

The questions were pretty funny. They are all true or false questions. I have to laugh, because one question was in there probably 7 different ways. "I hear voices" was all over the place. Just made me think of the Sixth Sense movie. "I see dead people". So every time it came up, I chuckled. Some of them also get confusing because of the double negatives. I also felt dumb with one question because I had no idea what one word meant. As a process of elimination, I guessed what the word may mean and I hope that isnt some red flag due to my guess at the definition.

I have also been in close touch with my IPs. Well, my IM. She is such a beautiful soul. I just want to reach out and hug her so tight. I wish we weren't so far apart. I'm enjoying getting to know her and she is so positive, lovely and open about her. I was so worried about being matched. I had fears that I would get matched with a couple that wouldnt want my friendship. My IM is truly the opposite. She is open to my questions, to sharing her story and I just really have such respect for her already. I am so in love with this journey! Circle should get an award for making such a great match!

Apparently I should hear more tomorrow about my MMPI and if any clarifications need to be made (like what did I mean when I guessed the meaning of the word... eeek!). I will keep you posted!

Thanks for reading!

Brain On Overload!

So, I've officially been matched. I'm kind of in a waiting period for the MMPI (psych exam) and the official legal contract to be completed. In the interim, I have gotten SO much information my way.

I am kind of anal (I hate that word) about making sure I don't have people waiting on me for anything. I want to make sure I have read, understand and am completely up to date with whatever I need to do. Right now, I don't feel that way. I feel like with all the information I have, it is just floating around in my brain and I can't work out how it all fits.

If you have scenario A - go to step 3. If it turns into scenario B, go to step 6. If you go to step 6 and answer C2, go to scenario 123345y80ryeFOE.

That is seriously what I feel like when I read through everything right now. I've decided to take a step back from trying to understand every tiny detail and just take one step at a time so I don't feel so overwhelmed.

I have a "journey coordinater", also known as a "program coordinator" who will be my go-to contact from here on out, it seems. I am thankful to have a go-to person because this seriously seems like it can become overwhelming at any point. I have been asked 8 million questions about my current IUD and when it is scheduled to come out. I have been asked to get copies of my last physical sent over. I feel like there is so much to do and so little time. I seriously have a complex about leaving people waiting. I like to be prompt.

I have been in touch with my IP's and let them know about the blog. I wanted to be very up front with them about it so as to not hurt feelings or offend anyone. I've told them that if they are in any way, shape or form are offended or have a dislike for me blogging about something that is so closely related to them, to please let me know and I would stop immediately. Thankfully, she said she didn't mind at all. I provided her the link so hopefully she will be another reader added to my list. :)

I am so excited about all of this, that I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell every soul that I come into contact with. Yet, I don't want to jinx anything either. I am so curious as to how other people told their friends and family. Or even, their co-workers. Is there such thing as a common practice?

I have told my immediate family and friends, as well as my boss. Other than that, it's still pretty quiet. I think there has to be some fun way to tell your family and friends that you have decided to be a surrogate. Maybe I will just have to wait till I am actually pregnant and do a fun announcement then. "I'm pregnant and it's not mine!".

Thanks for reading!

The First Date

So sorry for my delayed post! Things have really been moving fast the past few days and I took a step back to reconfigure my thoughts and feelings.

Date day was Saturday. M, little M, and I were up north with my family at our cabin. We don't get a whole heck of a lot of privacy up there as the internet is finicky. I hadn't told my Dad about my surrogacy adventure yet and didn't think it was the right time to. So M and I had to go sit outside while we anxiously awaited our skype date.

9am came and I was so nervous I was literally shaking. These people sounded so amazing in their profile, I was so worried that they wouldn't like me. The video function wouldn't work on our skype call, which actually helped calm my nerves some. They will never know the effort I went to that morning to make sure I looked nice. :)

We chatted, well, mostly me. M is a very quiet guy until you break him. That's just who he is. So he sat and listened. I think he said "yeah!" once. Ha! They were amazing. I was really enjoying our chat. Despite our numerous technical difficulties we were encountering. After we were done chatting, an hour and some later, I went and tried to eat breakfast. I was still so excited I couldn't eat. I couldn't even think straight. I was so excited. I assumed, based on how the conversation left off, that we were a go ahead. But, I didn't know these people. Maybe they were just being polite and would eventually say to Circle that they would have to pass.

Today, I checked my email about 4 times an hour on average. Starting at 5am. I checked it over and over again. I couldn't wait to hear from Circle about what the IP's feedback was. Was this it? It felt  so "right" when we spoke on the phone. Was I imagining things?

NOPE! I sure wasn't imagining things! I heard from Circle and the IP's want to proceed with me as their surrogate. HOORAY!!!! I am so excited. I cannot even describe how excited I am about this! I went over to M at work (yes, we are one of THOSE couples who are crazy enough to work together) and did my little happy dance while explaining where we were at, at a rate of 100 miles a minute. I am not only excited for the journey ahead for M, little M and I, but also for our IP's. They are so deserving of this and I am so lucky to have them.

HOORAY!

Next step, I have to pass my MMPI on Wednesday which I am not too concerned about. After that, I have been warned that it may be "up to a month" to receive a copy of our legal contract to be worked out. I hope it doesn't take that long. I can't wait!

Thanks for all the well wishes and positive thoughts! :)

Date Day!

"Will they like me?!" This is all I can think about. Over and over again. 

Their doctor approved my medical records. They liked my profile. They want to meet me! Oh my goodness. "Will they like me?!" Again and again, it's all I can think about. What if they don't get my humor? What if they don't realize that M and I are an interracial couple? What if that worries them?! 

So tomorrow morning it happens. I Skype with them at 9am CST. M isn't feeling real well so I hope and pray that he is feeling up to being chatty. I hope little M is not being naughty so he can come say hi. I hope I can think of things to say. I hope that.... Well, I could write pages and pages of "I wish". I suppose the best  for right now is to go to bed so I'm well rested in the morning. 

Here is hoping!! 

Continually Amazed!

I know, I know. People are probably beginning to think "Is she going to post more than once a day, EVERY day?". No, probably not. The past couple of weeks has just been a whirlwind of information and excitement that I want to capture and express. I'm sure at one point there wont be as much to report back, but for now, I am so excited when every little thing happens that I need to add it to this journey.

Today, I got a response back about my decline on the first match. The response was, what I felt, was a little harsh. I was feeling slightly discouraged. I read the email response over and over and I feel like I must be over reacting, or being too sensitive because there isn't anything in particular in the email that sounds harsh, it just seems to be the way I took it. Sigh, I guess thats part of dealing with email versus phone.

Afterwards, I was skeptical for how things would proceed. I thought that it would probably be weeks before my next match. Boy, was I wrong! About an hour later, I got another profile to review. M and I reviewed the profile together. I read it, and re-read it. I was in a panic... I think this is it! Oh my gosh! What If I don't respond quick enough?! I emailed back immediately that I would like to proceed with this match.

Next step is to see if they feel that I am a match for them. Fingers crossed that they will like me! I would also have to have my medical records reviewed by their doctor as a part of the match requirements. I am so incredibly excited. I wanted to feel "something special" when I found "THE match" and I think I truly found it here. Now, if I could only get some positive thoughts and well wishes to hope this goes through.

I have a group of mothers on a birth board that I talk to regularly, and I am loving being able to share this with them. I sometimes wish that there was a Facebook support group for surrogates to connect. I haven't yet told everyone that I know. I am just afraid to jinx anything until I am matched and under contract. My Mum knows, my close friends and family all know. But, I am so excited and this is all I think about all day long so I just want to shout it from the rooftops.

Hoping and praying I hear something tomorrow about this possible match. Fingers crossed!!

Speed Coaster

I had been warned in a positive way, that Surrogacy can be a roller coaster. I think that is to be expected. So many hormones, plus feelings, and then at the end of the day walking away knowing that you did this amazing wonderful thing for someone, and going home 'empty handed'. I knew that coming in to this, so I wasn't terribly suprised with the things I have learned to date.

One thing I was NOT aware of is how FAST this would go. Roller coaster, I knew about - SPEED COASTER.... Woah! I was caught off guard. We got accepted last night. Today I signed my letter and send it back. I also got communication about the psych evaluation and getting that setup ASAP.

Shortly after that, I got paired with my first match of IP's (intended parents). I was so nervous and excited and shocked and everything that I just sat and stared at the unopened email for about 10 minutes before I got the heart to open it. So many emotions, all at once! I read through all of the information very carefully, careful to understand everything I was reading.

I realized that we had a couple of rather large conflicts which was dissapointing. I guess I hoped that my match would be sent and that would be it. Done deal. I suppose I was being a little too hopeful. Anyways, I have responded letting them know my concerns and now I wait. But that certainly got my heart racing today to know that things are moving at super speed!

I also was contacted by the doctor who will preform my testing to make sure im not nuts. I think they call it an MMPI or something similar to that. Here is to hoping that the scheduling wont be a royal pain in the behind due to time differences and work conflicts. Im so excited! I also got to talk to my good friend about everything that has happened to date and ramble on and on about it. I am so thankful for good friends!!

That's all for now... Until the next wave of roller coasters!

OMG OMG OMG!

The title really says it all. This is exactly how I have been feeling for about 12 hours now.

M did his screening with the social worker yesterday afternoon. I figured it would be a few days before we heard anything back so I planned to go as a family to run some important errands once M was done with the call.

Once we got little M to bed that night, I checked my email (which I check CONSTANTLY - you never know when you will get something important) and voila! There it was... Our acceptance letter.

I could not (and still cannot) believe it. This whole time going through all of these screenings, I thought that they would find something 'wrong' and say we weren't a good fit. I was certain that because I had told a few of my friends that I was looking to take this journey that I would jinx us. I was so worried (which is completely my nature, I worry about everything - which is why M and I make such a great couple, because he is so level headed) that I would do something wrong and would not be able to be a surrogate and give what I believe is the ultimate gift to someone.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

Next steps, call the OB to have my IUD taken out asap, and then to the psych eval which is via webex. Im pretty sure I am sane - though I am certain some women will think that it is not possible to be sane if I am looking to be pregnant again with someone elses child. I suppose the jury is still out on that. :)

What's Next?

After reviewing information for weeks, and talking to people through my six degrees of separation, I finally decided I wanted to look into this a little more seriously.

Surrogacy was taking over my life. It was all I thought about all day long, and when I finally fell asleep, it was all I would dream about. I needed to see about what steps to take next. I reached out to some of my new surro friends to ask how they chose an agency. A few chose based on locale. A few based on BBB rating and then another went with a place called Circle Surrogacy. When she said the name, I realized that it was the same agency that my other friend used for her egg donation process.

I went back to their website again and started perusing all of the information. I researched reviews online, both through their site, and others. I searched the BBB for their rating, and I asked my friends about their experiences with them. My next step was to reach out to them and try to get a 'feel'.

So I decided to complete the online application. I finally took the plunge. I was really doing it!

When I started the application, late Sunday night I thought - this will just take a little bit and then I am sure I will be able to finish what I was doing before I started the process. WRONG.

The application process was long. Intense. They left no stone unturned. I wanted to make sure everything I put in there was accurate and 100% complete. They asked about my height, weight, age and health. They also asked about family history. A lot of other questions to also make sure I met the qualifications that they clearly outlined on their website.

The application took me probably over an hour. Partially because I am so detail oriented, I wanted to make sure everything was in place. I got so nervous about the application. I felt like I was 18 and applying for my first loan - What if they deny me? They say I am not good enough? Then what?!

Monday, I was anxious all day. I wasn't real sure what to expect. Then, I checked my email.... I had passed the first step!!! How exciting! I was ecstatic.  I told M immediately and then contacted my BFF in Australia to update her on the process.

I had to send in a bunch of paperwork to back up everything that I filled out when I did the original application. I worked with a wonderful woman named Jeni, who also had been a surrogate (and whose blog I had read from start to finish!). Next step was to meet with the social worker.

My meeting with the social worker was about 2.5 hours long. While at first thought of a call being that long, I was dreadful. I do not want to try and fake laughing at someone with terrible jokes, or have to explain everything in great detail as if I was speaking to a toddler the whole time. Instead, my social worker was amazing. She really got me to connect with her. We laughed and joked, it was a lot of fun. It seemed as though we were having a conversation like we were old friends.

The social worker then had to do a similar process with M. That call is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon and I am so nervous! As long as he doesn't appear to be crazy, then we move on to the next step, which would be my psychic evaluation. Wish us luck!

So Much To Consider

When I started considering becoming a surrogate, there was just so much to consider. A friend had mentioned that she had done egg donation through an agency and I had no idea what either of those things meant. I started researching egg donation and found a lot of information about surrogacy.

Surrogacy was something I was aware of, but not familiar with. I have a very close friend in Australia who was, at that point in time, considering searching for a surrogate as their IVF treatments were not working. I had discussed with her about her experiences, even though she did not ultimately need to proceed with the surrogacy, it was very interesting to learn about.

That is when I started my research. I found so many blogs that, in looking back, helped me define my decision. From that point on it was easy for me. I read as many blogs as I could find, as many articles, as many web forums, as many online books as I possibly could. I found a lot of great information and it seemed to be very honest, but as this is the internet, and you truly never know (I think about that State Farm commercial "they can't put anything on the internet that isn't true! Here is my French Boyfriend I met on the Internet" "Bonjour!") I started to reach out to friends of friends who could give me some answers to questions in a one on one setting. Turns out the theory of "six degrees of separation" really came into handy when looking for people I may know who have done Surrogacy.

First, I posted in my birth board. When I had my Son, we went onto Baby Center and joined a board full of women who were all due August 2011. We then migrated to Facebook (a secret group, so no one can see our posts about baby poop, stretch marks and anything else pregnancy/baby related) and have maintained our friendships and watched them all blossom, while talking about all things baby/toddler related, along with some random topics thrown in from time to time. I asked if they had opinions on becoming a Gestational Surrogate, if they knew anyone who had done it, and what their experiences may be.

I got a lot of great feedback. There were quite a few that were puzzled and did not understand why someone would want to be pregnant again, but I feel like I am a realist, and I expected some people to have this kind of response. A few women on there were able to connect me with friends and family who had been surrogates. My first question was one that I assume would be the obvious for most people. I'm not so concerned about the hormones, the matching process, the pregnancy itself, my biggest question was "What was it like to go through the pregnancy and then hand the baby over at birth?".

To date - every single person I have asked, has said that while you do have some emotions about it (to be expected!) It's different than with your own child/children because you go into it knowing this child is not yours from the get go. I cannot say how I will feel when my time comes, I cannot begin to imagine. What I do know though, is that my support system is strong. I have faith that they can pull me through anything that I cannot do myself.

I then brought the topic to my Fiance. I was not sure how he would react. He might shut me down immediately and that would be that. So I approached the topic, and asked what he thought of it. My Fiance, (M) is an amazing man. He is so supportive. On the downside, he is so straight to the point, no nonsense. So I was worried that he might view surrogacy as nonsense. We talked it though and his question to me was "Why?" and I was so confident in my response when I told him "My life changed when we had little M, and I want to be able to help someone have their own baby and open them up to the same happiness that I have experienced". Much to my surprise, he said "Ok". We were able to discuss in more detail, further, but that's what I was looking for, his OK.

Next step - find an agency and start the process!!