Injections, Injections and Transfer

Oh My Gosh.

What a bad blogger I have been! Please forgive me.

My last update was about injections and how they were about to begin. Let's go back in time a bit, shall we?
Lupron started, a small needle, thin, that gets injected near the belly button. The night I was told to start, I was having friends over for a party, so my BFF was there to help get me through it. It was scary to think about but was not scary to do it. Within a few days, I was a pro at Lupron.

Then we added in the Delestrogen. This one scared the heck out of me! It was in the behind. I was going to have my Hubby do them, but he was about to leave for work on a trip for a week, so an every 3 day shot would be hard to do without him. I bit the bullet and did it myself (that makes me sound so much more brave than I actually was. There was a lot of frantic crying, a little yelling, lots of shaking, then I did it, and again it wasn't so bad).

I kept bruising really badly and at one point, I started fainting when I gave myself my shots - which resulted in me stabbing myself in the hand with the needle - NOT fun. I soon realized I was doing the injections WAY too low, hence why it was so painful and all the bruising. Shortly thereafter, the fainting and bruising stopped.

About a week before transfer, we added in a 3rd shot. Projesterone, every night, in the behind. My poor bum! The needles were scary for me, I hate needles very much. I kept telling myself "Its all for the greater good" just to get me through.

When transfer was fast approaching, I planned to have my Hubby come with me as he had in the past. Then, he was called for jury duty and couldn't come with me. So then I planned for my BFF to come. Last minute changes forced her to drop out, too. I was so scared to travel by myself to a big city (I've traveled alone before, but with meds, to a city I don't know, just makes me nervous).

I ended up traveling out to Los Angeles by myself and I got to meet the IPs! I was incredibly nervous to meet them in person for the first time, in a strange city, alone. Of course, it was just me being silly, as when we met it was just perfect. We have known each other for so long, and been in this journey for what feels like forever, so meeting was more like catching up with an old friend, than meeting a new one.

Transfer went without a hitch. We were with a new clinic this time and they gave me a Valium to take before the transfer. I thought about it at first and it made me nervous. I don't like to take medicines like that. But when I read the reasoning, that it can help to relax the body as well as the mind, I thought I needed to at least try it. Anything that could help us on our third and final try.

Fast forward 10 days - BETA DAY! Welcome to real time. I had my BETA this morning. This go round, the IPs asked that I didn't POAS at home, and just wait for BETA. Due to what happened last time - I could understand their reasoning. I Thought about testing myself and not telling them but that didn't feel right. So, I waited the 10 day wait, which was terribly hard. I can only imagine it from the IMs view.

FINALLY around 2pm, a day full of staring at my computer screens and refreshing my email, waiting, begging, hoping for an update - finally arrived via phone. Monica from the clinic said my BETA results were at 276. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SIX! Holy buckets. I am pregnant!! I got to call IM and tell her the news. It was such an amazing feeling! ANNNND now folks, you are all caught up. My mind is going a million miles a minute, so I will update again soon. Next step, BETA #2 in a week to make sure the numbers are doubling.

Whirlwind!

When I started the surrogacy process, I knew that I would learn patience if I didn't already have enough. Well, boy - was that an understatement?!

We have been on hold for so long, but then it feels like every time we pick up speed again, something takes us off track.

We updated our contracts with my new last name, after getting married in February. (Yay!) and received the meds for the next round, which make me really nervous. This time we will have injectable meds. Last time was oral pills and *ahem* other kinds. This time, there are SO many needles!

 

 

I think after seeing this picture, you can see why I may be a little nervous. :)

I know I will be fine, but still - nervous!

Supposed to start these at some point this week, I think. I was originally to start yesterday, but there was some kind of miscommunication. I look forward to getting the ball rolling with our third attempt! Please cross your fingers, pray, hope, dance, something! I truly hope and pray this works for the IPs this time.

Thanks for reading.

Back On Track

Hooray! We are back on track after a short break. Ok, well it was actually quite a long break. But, never the less, on we go!

This time is going to be a bit different than our last two tries. Here is everything I know so far....

We are switching clinics. We were with NEFI out of CT who I loved, and we are moving to CFP in CA. Last time were frozen transfers, this time will be a fresh transfer. Last time we did oral and *ahem* vagina mints, this time will be injectable medicines.

Lots of changes this time which make me nervous but I am excited at the same time!

M and I went to a local clinic to draw our blood, and get our urine and do all the fun tests (note the sarcasm). I really dislike needles. I get all shakey around them, but I am not as bad as some people. Side note: My gf said that if she ever gets diagnosed with diabetes, that she will die, because she is so fearful of needles she wont be able to poke herself.... I'm not at that point, but still pretty scared! Anyways, the nurse that took my blood did it SO quickly and SO painless. I want to bring her with me for the rest of my life. I normally get poked at least 2 times, and she only poked me once. BEST NURSE EVER!

Anyways, we are waiting for the blood test results to come back, which should be in by Wednesday. Meanwhile, my cycle started, and I have started my chewable prenatals - LOVE them, they taste like the fred flinstone kind from when you were a kid! I should start birth control probably tomorrow or the next day.  That will help when its time to sync my cycle up with the Intended Mothers (N).

I am really scared about the needles and medicine that I willl have to inject. I have googled it, watched youtube videos about the injections and read blogs. Im trying to educate myself as much as possible to understand what to expect. I pray I can convince M to inject me so I dont have to!

That's all for now, but I will keep you all posted!

Where Are We Now?

For those who follow my blog religiously, they will know that things have slowed. I am in a sort of limbo.

In the last week of December 2013, we had a positive BETA. Followed promptly with a failed BETA. So it was a major let down for IP's and us, too. The final failed BETA happened in early January just days before my fiance went into the ICU due to a horrific asthma attack. I knew the IP's needed time, and after the ICU trip, I needed time too - even though I may not have realized it at that time.

Since then, we have been communicating back and forth. Not as much as we once had. I think there is a little fear on both sides about the "what happens next?". No one wants to invest a lot of time and emotions into a relationship that isn't going to yeild any positive outcome. So, I knew the IP's would need to make a final decision of if they want to try again or not.

Recently, they requested that my medical records from the clinic we were using NEFI, whom I loved! be sent to another clinic for review. It's sounding like they are considering trying a different clinic. I also believe this would mean a fresh transfer - our other two attempts have been frozen transfers. What that means, as far as I can tell so far, is the process isn't going to be quite as easy. Last time we basically said when we wanted the transfer to take place and worked around that date. My research tells me that with a fresh transfer, the intended Mother (IM) and I will have to basically sync cycles up. Meaning, less planning time on my end.

That's a little stressful to me. I'm a bit of a control freak. I'll admit it! Well, I think most women are. But, I like to be able to know when I am going to be going out of town, and plan accordingly. Plus, I haven't told my boss about any of the surrogacy stuff since I transferred to the new position. Last time around, I had the same boss for 2.5 years and she was female and amazing. This time, he is young, male and new to me. I don't want to divulge too much info and then him end up being one of the crazies that I end up crossing paths with that don't agree with surrogacy. I don't think that will be the case, but I never know what to divulge.

Though, regardless of the changes this time around, I am really looking forward to a final decision. I obviously am hoping that they do officially decide to proceed, even if it is with another clinic. It's important to me to try to help a family with their journey to have a baby. Surrogacy really is a journey, it's a commitment, and not always a fast process, but it is one that is near and dear to my heart. I am so happy that I am doing this - even if it is still currently an "in limbo" process.

Long Time No Blog

It has been a long time since I have blogged. I needed a little time to process everything, as did the IP's.
I pulled back a little from my wonderful Surrogacy group that I am in as it's hard to be genuinely interested in all the positive tests everyone seems to be getting when all you want is to be pregnant for the family you are working with.

The Ip's havent yet made a decision on if they will proceed or not. Which is ok. Its a big deal. As most people can imagine, surrogacy is not cheap. Trying again after going through so much emotionally, is hard on everyone. They also had a death in the family which obviously took a toll at a very bad time, so they are taking some much needed time to reflect on things which I am perfectly OK with.

I, myself am taking this time to channel my energy into fitness. It's a good way for me to stay busy, improve my health, and just stay as positive as possible. Its really a good outlet all around. I started doing T25 from Beachbody. Its 25 minutes a day and I love it. Even me, someone who is far from fit/athletic can do it!

I am hoping to hear from the IP's in the next couple of weeks on what they want to do. Until then, I will keep on working out and trying to learn the new job I took on. (same company, different role).

Right after our second negative BETA, we had quite the scare with my Fiance. He had a bad asthma attack and ended up in a medically induced coma. It scared the life right out of me. Of course it was one of those situations that nothing could go right. We had our Son (2) with us when we rushed to the E.R. He was half dressed in below zero degree weather (he had a coat, but he was half in PJs and half in regular clothes, with no shoes) and of course he peed through his diaper while his Papa was being intubated (sp?). My phone was on 9% and we just bought the new fingerprint scanner iPhones and I had yet to store my print on my honeys phone and all his fingers were busy with sensors and tape, etc.

So, really - this downtime now that he is out of hospital is really appreciated. I am looking forward to getting moving again on the surrogacy journey, but this down time couldn't have come at a better time.

BETA RESULTS ARE IN!

We had to take a second BETA test because last weeks results were really low. Todays test came back.... Negative. We have lost our little embryo. :(

Its an odd feeling, loosing a baby that isn't yours. I wanted this so badly for the IPs. They deserved it, they wanted it, I wanted this for them.

I feel guilty. I feel bad. Is there something I could have done differently to make this work?

In all honesty, I know that it is not my fault. Whats meant to be, will be. It doesnt make it easier, though.

I have gotten a lot of questions about what's next. Well, My intentions are to stay with my IPs as long as they want to keep trying. I was under the impression that they did not want to proceed if this transfer did not work, but nothing has been discussed today. So, we will see how they feel. If they do not want to proceed, I will start the process to find another family that I can match with to help them on their journey for a baby.

That's about where we stand right now... now let the period from hell commence.

Spoke Too Soon?

I went for BETA on Thursday. Boy oh boy what a day it was.

I was so cold they couldnt find a vein. I had 3 techs try numerous locations to draw blood, used coats, walking, water and hot packs to try to fix me up. Finally called a specialist from Childrens Hospital to draw my blood. Then I went home and waited for confirmation of good news...

Well.. boy was I wrong.

NEFI (the clinic I work with in CT) emailed me to say the results were positive, but very low. It does not look good but miracles can happen. I try not to stress myself out thinking about it. However, my numbers are really low and were that way with little M when I was pregnant with him, too. So, it isnt all bad.

I did a pregnancy test at home again to see what happened and it came up positive again. It was darker than the first ones, barely. but it was. I asked NEFI what the number was and was told my beta was 20. 11 days past 3 day transfer.

So... next steps are that we have another beta on Monday, and pray, hope, wish, cross your fingers, do a rain dance, whatever you have to do to send good luck to the IPs and I and this little miracle baby. I SO BADLY want this baby to hold on. Fight, little baby, hang on tight! You can do it. I will give you a great home for 9 months, I promise, then I will hand you to the most deserving couple I know!

Let the longest weekend ever commence......