BETA RESULTS ARE IN!

We had to take a second BETA test because last weeks results were really low. Todays test came back.... Negative. We have lost our little embryo. :(

Its an odd feeling, loosing a baby that isn't yours. I wanted this so badly for the IPs. They deserved it, they wanted it, I wanted this for them.

I feel guilty. I feel bad. Is there something I could have done differently to make this work?

In all honesty, I know that it is not my fault. Whats meant to be, will be. It doesnt make it easier, though.

I have gotten a lot of questions about what's next. Well, My intentions are to stay with my IPs as long as they want to keep trying. I was under the impression that they did not want to proceed if this transfer did not work, but nothing has been discussed today. So, we will see how they feel. If they do not want to proceed, I will start the process to find another family that I can match with to help them on their journey for a baby.

That's about where we stand right now... now let the period from hell commence.

Spoke Too Soon?

I went for BETA on Thursday. Boy oh boy what a day it was.

I was so cold they couldnt find a vein. I had 3 techs try numerous locations to draw blood, used coats, walking, water and hot packs to try to fix me up. Finally called a specialist from Childrens Hospital to draw my blood. Then I went home and waited for confirmation of good news...

Well.. boy was I wrong.

NEFI (the clinic I work with in CT) emailed me to say the results were positive, but very low. It does not look good but miracles can happen. I try not to stress myself out thinking about it. However, my numbers are really low and were that way with little M when I was pregnant with him, too. So, it isnt all bad.

I did a pregnancy test at home again to see what happened and it came up positive again. It was darker than the first ones, barely. but it was. I asked NEFI what the number was and was told my beta was 20. 11 days past 3 day transfer.

So... next steps are that we have another beta on Monday, and pray, hope, wish, cross your fingers, do a rain dance, whatever you have to do to send good luck to the IPs and I and this little miracle baby. I SO BADLY want this baby to hold on. Fight, little baby, hang on tight! You can do it. I will give you a great home for 9 months, I promise, then I will hand you to the most deserving couple I know!

Let the longest weekend ever commence......